I feel like I don’t belong where I am, and I didn’t belong in that other place. I feel myself slipping away, and hoping, no, wishing for the worse to happen. I thought I was getting better, yet I feel slowly slipping away, and it feels awful. I’m too tired too keep on fighting my own demons, let alone the worlds. I’ve only wantedd was best for myself and those who surround me. Feels like I’m dragging everyone into this mess called depression.

I hate myself for having to go through this all over again, when I thought I had learned my lesson. Yet, here I am. I’m still suffering with the same old shit, which makes me even angrier, I should’ve known better.

Listening to the same music as I listened back there, makes me the tiniest bit happy. I did that, you know? I slashed my fears away, and tried to reconstruct a new life. I tried to change everything about me, but not in the way you stop recognizing someone, no, I did it to become a better person. When I tried and realized I had failed extremely to make a life for myself, it destroyed me. I had put everysingle ounce of myself to make that happen. To make it. Just to make it.

Now, it feels is too late.

I never thought that all my dreams would come crashing down, just like a literally rollercoaster. Was it meant to happen? Have I been lied to all this time?

People have always seen something in me, something so big, I’m supposed to make so many things, I’m supposed to be this entire magical creature, that will just do fine. That’s what I’ve been told pretty much my entire life. Pretty much since I was a child trying to figure out what was happening, why strange things were happening, yet nobody was there to protect me, but at the same time they were there. It was frustating even as a child, to be this type of human that just needed everything to be okay. But everything was never okay.

I remember so many details that my own brain tries to reconnect with certain memories, with specific ones, so my now awareness is bigger than ever. Or that’s what I like to think.

Coming back, has definately been something I hadn’t been expecting, but I’ve just been ok. Everything is moving quite fast, and I’m doing my best to keep track to what I should be doing.

Study, graduate, study, graduate, study, graduate, and maybe study 2 more times and graduate 2 more times. Get that fucking job your father/mother/any one else is fucking and fucking you to get, and if you don’t get it you’re practically a piece of shit, am I right? Oh, but we forget that for you to get a very nice paying job at least, you have to HAVE a certain amount of time already right? You have to HAVE experience. That’s what every fucking adult talks about. If you don’t have enough experience, how will you do a good job? Oh, so basically start experincieng everything since you’re 10 fucking years old, because if not, you ain’t getting it.

Society has failed greatly to all of the young adults, children. Everyone deserves a chance, and so many people only get one, let alone 2. “But, I’ll work my entire life if I have to.” Johnny says. Well, Johnny, what about any other plans you’ve got? Will you spend all of your younger years of life working? Will you spend literally all of your family money and get into student loans for the rest of your life and probably your next of kin? Oh, that’s right, you’ll work your entire life even if that’s that last thing you do, right?

I get it. Society works like this. No work, no jobs, no oppenings, no capitalism or whatever the fuck you want to call it. It’s always something fucked. It’s always society, humans, what do they have that I don’t, BUT I WANT IT, I DON’T CARE HOW OR IF I’LL HURT ANYONE IN THE PROCESS.

Process. It’s been something that even though I have to go through it, it’s painful as fuck. Even though I wish I wouldn’t need to go through, I have to.

Process takes time. How much do I have left, tho?

Independence, it’s all what I always fought for. Being able to do my own thing, be my own boss in a way that it’s not entirely about work. I knew that when trying this new experience, I was going to get so many no’s, and so many hate and people just going after me.

It’s 6:00 a.m. and I haven’t slept the whole night, well, I couldn’t sleep, spent it turning and turning and with this awful way of feeling too much anxiety. I had a pretty rough anxiety attack this morning thinking about the rest os things. Been wanting to run away and don’t look back, but where is the place I could run away to? I have nowhere to actually run away to, and that hurts me everywhere. I’m in so much pain that when I try to do anything like plan it, it gets evaporated, basically life telling me it’s not going to happen.

I been thinking about how scared you where to take a step like the one I took, and I know how hard it must’ve been. I definitely wish you could’ve trusted me more and let me help you, but at the end, you’re extremely manipulative and jealous, and you only wish for bad in other people (I was your best friend, remember?)

People change, especially when big things happen in your life, big situations where you just can’t seem to control. Had I know what I know about this specific person I think I wouldn’t do what I did.

It all starts when I was 12. I met him because of someone who is pretty close to me, and by that, he’s close to him. We’ll call him Nate. Nate’s 6 years older than me, so by that time he would just see me as this pre-pubescent child who was pretty selfish (I wasn’t) that the only care in the world that I had were boy bands and who was the it girl in middle school. As much as I wanted to get close to him, it was a little bit hard because of the age difference, and the fact that he wasn’t single. He’s always been very dedicated to his relationships and that’s something I’ve always admire of him. In this town, men are not that committed, and that’s pretty normal, unfortunately. But, him? He knew he was different from other men, he knew he was special, that he made women feel special. If he was with one, he would be with only one. Nate, was never an easy guy to follow, he would always be part of everything, but at the same time he wouldn’t. He would say the correct thing at the correct time. He was it. But he would always be with someone.

By this time, I’m already grown up, and I know better than to get with a men who is with someone else, because that’s just the way I like. I don’t like my men going around with someone else, when I’m here. Why would I do that to someone else?

Nate marries, and I see everything from afar and I think to myself, that’s it. There’s no more turning back, or anything like that. He has a child, after. I continue to live my life, like I knew that there wasn’t any chance ever.

Until, the inimaginable happens, and he chooses to part different ways than his wife. And I see this opportunity come to me, this chance to do something about it, since I was a teenager.

I did.

And everything I thought was going to happen, it did. After so long, after all this desire, it happened and I was so happy, that I stupidly thought he was going to see me in such a different way. But I was so wrong, to believe in something that it was never meant to happen.

The way it hurt, physically and emotionally, was extremely painful. I couldn’t believe I was living through a heartbreak, without being in a relationship, but you can live trough a heartbreak without being in a relationship. Now I understand, that even though certain things are not meant to happen, they will still hurt like if they had actually happened.

I had to let go. It was too much, and I let him go, that when I realized what I had done, it was already too late. I couldn’t go back crawling to him, although I did tried. Knowing the pain, knowing the damage. But it had to be done.

I had to let him go for me.

It’s less than a second. Everything changes in less than a second. At least it feels that way.

What would’ve happened if I hadn’t changed schools when I was a kid? What would’ve happened if I stayed in a place where I was extremely bullied? Would I be alive today? Would I be the opposite of who I am? The questions keep coming of different moments in my life where I wonder what would’ve happened.

When you ask yourself about the past as much as I have, you realize what is your present. I see around me and think about the people I have met so far. And, although, maybe some of them would’ve stepped in my life regardless, there are some who I know I wouldn’t have met at all, and it makes my present feel…less interesting.

It makes me feel like there was a reason, or many, that needed to happen in order for me to learn my lessons. Or to learn how to live.

I’ve struggled with mental health probably a 90% of my life. And I know, the person I would’ve become if things were different, is someone I would dislike in my actual present. I would have taken things for granted, I wouldn’t have learned the things I know now. My best friends wouldn’t be who they are today. It just keeps on coming with what could’ve and would’ve. It never really changes, the feeling, of wondering too much about your past, that makes you question it so much, that now you don’t know if you should have or shouldn’t.

But, out of nowhere, something just gets in your eye. So little, but big enough for you to catch a glimpse, about what you’re living in the present and makes you stop any question about it.

It’s funny when you put your mind into it. And realize, that you can ask so much about your past, for only to end up realizing that the present you’re living is just because you made the right choice in your past, even if at the moment it felt like you were fucking it up.

As much as our past wants us to think about it all the time, it’s not always possible. It comes a moment in your life, when you have to stop asking the past some questions, and focus in your present even though it may hurt you.

I have two shows, that I completely loose myself with them. It’s like I’m part of team, of the crew, of the members, of the actors that play the show. It’s particularly quite weird, to feel this way knowing, the characters are just…characters. Their not real, or special in a certain way, but only in the little world of their show.

I come from a family where acting is big. We love the stage, basically. Anything involving acting, dancing, singing, or whatever that has to do with the stage, we’re there without question. It’s always been like that. So, I’m not sure if me being overly obsessed by two amazing series, is because I actually know about acting- No, I don’t have a career in it or know every single thing there is to know about acting, but I do certainly know when a celebrity does a good job or not- Now, I’m no expert at all, but I absolutely enjoy good acting.

Everybody has seen a bad acting from Al Pacino, or Robert DeNiro, but they’re still two of the biggest, greatest actors in this world. Even Meryl Streep has her own list of bad work. Not even the point, but now you’ll understand.

So, like I mentioned before, this two TV shows, are incredibly amazing, and I am amused at how cool their castmates actually get along. You hear stories about who hates who, or who just doesn’t get along quite well with someone in the cast. We’ve known since, for example, Charmed, Alyssa Milano and Shannen Doherty didn’t enjoyed each others company. That show’s from 1998. And it’s to this date, that there are many shows where actors just don’t get along.

But this two. Man, this two shows. Everybody gets along, and they actually care for their fellow castmates. Which, I personally love it. I love the fact that there are no bad energies surrounding them. Both shows, had people who we literally see them grew up in Hollywood, which to my understanding, is terrible. Starting your teenage years, or entering puberty in the public eye? Shit, that’s hard. It’s hard when your not under “surveillance” every single day of your life, let alone actually being under that spotlight.

It’s always been a dream of mine, being a celebrity. I think about many people. But, it comes with a price, I don’t know the specifics of it. Maybe you loose all of your true friends, maybe you loose your family. Maybe you loose yourself. I don’t even know how there are celebrities who know how to survive such things.

Could it be worth it, though?

When I actually discovered my favorite blend, I was 18. Recently turned, and everybody around seemed to have already chosen their favorite blend. Which made me kind of anxious not to know which was mine. Not in the way that most people think or feel anxiety, but this rush that I was trying to experience, since quite before I turned 18, and I didn't even knew why.

The first time I tried my favorite blend, was very difficult for me. I had wished it was different as other experiences, but friends of mine tried it differently and that's why I thought mine was going to be exactly like I was told. It was hot at first, very hot. I couldn't even actually drink it properly of how hot it was, and it got me annoyed. I thought “I think I'm doing something extremely wrong”. Maybe not boil the water that much? Maybe a different kind of cup? Maybe less water and more heat? I don't even understand science that much to actually know what the fuck I was supposed to do. But I drank it, anyways. It burned my throat, felt spicy and warm at the same time. I liked it. I thought it was different as I was told before, but I actually liked it like that. Then, different blends came along, and I said “fine by me, I should try the most that I can”.

Unfortunately, I think I tried more than I could handle. So much tea, so much warmth that I felt, but it came a moment, or moments where I found myself not enjoying tea anymore and I would just drink it without any thought about it. Without any care in the world, I could drown myself in tea, when I got caught up with it, I felt it was really late. The extreme rush, that lasted for 5 minutes, maybe less, never more. Try and try and try. I was put up with this feling of rush and adrenaline but there was never any drug involved. It was just a feeling, which made me want even more, but as well, nothing too extreme. At least, that's how I saw it everytime I questioned myself of why I wanted more and more.

But, the important key to all of this, is that, I always chose to drink tea. Nobody ever forced me. I have always been strong enough to know if someone is forcing me something I ain’t wishing to try. Even if I’m completely wasted, I’m well aware of everything happening to me, and if someone is trying to outsmart me. Which in a way is pretty cool, how I don’t loose.

January 30th 2022. I was forced to drink tea, when I specifically said I didn’t want anymore of it. I liked the blend, and actually, it was quite warm, not burning hot. So, I thought to myself this is going to be a nice enjoyable cup of tea. But it wasn’t. It was far from a good cup.

It takes time to realize, I was forced to do something I liked, but at that moment I didn’t want to do. I enjoy having a cup of tea, but at that moment, that day, at that time, I wasn’t really feeling like drinking anymore tea. I tried it, didn’t liked it, and that was it. Still, the person who served me the cup, was insisting, and obliged me to drink something I wish I didn’t drink.

It was as is I was completely on my own listening to my own heart, beat as fast as it could. I was actually hearing every bum bum bum it was making it, until it came to a point where there was complete silence. Dead silence. I was shocked, I had hoped the tea would’ve a 100% completely different as it was happening at the moment. I knew about teas, I knew how I enjoyed my tea. What was going on that this was tasting so weird? So out of this place, this time, this moment.

When I asked why was I forced down the tea, when I screamed several times I didn’t want to, he said “you wanted a little bit of tea, so I gave it all to you.”

But, when did I asked for all of it? I took a sip, I didn’t liked it, I said no more, and yet I seemed to be talking to a wall. I wasn’t paid any attention. I was ignored. Me wanting not to do something, was completely and overly ignored, and it felt terrible. I wanted to throw up all of it. All of the tea I had consumed this entire time.

Memories started coming to my mind, how when I was 5, someone told my to try tea with deceit, by not telling me the truth about what it was. I was 5.

It’s always the ones who say to respect everyone. It’s always the ones that say the tea is wonderful and just to the perfect temperature, to the perfect flavor and taste amazing. But, when you sip it, and don’t want anymore, it’s always the ones who force you to finish your tea.

What does “my path” even means? Why should I be writting down everysingle thing I need to in order to live. Everyone says I shouldn't live by any rules, but then rules are just there without any warning, you know?

It's hard following no rules but yet I am following something. I wish people around me would understand how this feels, because as it is, it's so hard to actually explain what and how this is.

Being like this since as long as I can remember, and I recently just learned new things about my past, too. So, adding those new revelations to “my path” is even more confusing to know what should or shouldn't do. I know what's best for me, but then I also know that some of those things are not the best for those around me, and even though I'm supposed to be working on myself and just myself, it still affects me not to worry for those near me.

Try to be selfish, and that's how you'll succeed. I was 6 years old when I first heard that, and I didn't even knew the meaning behind selfishness, but I did understand in a way to just focus on me and let everybody else focus on themselves. Yet, here we are. Wondering how long will I survive (word I've learned to hate in the past few years, btw) in this god foresaking planet, where it's getting worse to live here by the minute, scratch that, by the second. Wondering when.