Letting him go.

It’s unfortunate how much I think about how things would be different. As I’ve mentioned before, I think I would’ve learned my lesson by now.

People change, especially when big things happen in your life, big situations where you just can’t seem to control. Had I know what I know about this specific person I think I wouldn’t do what I did.

It all starts when I was 12. I met him because of someone who is pretty close to me, and by that, he’s close to him. We’ll call him Nate. Nate’s 6 years older than me, so by that time he would just see me as this pre-pubescent child who was pretty selfish (I wasn’t) that the only care in the world that I had were boy bands and who was the it girl in middle school. As much as I wanted to get close to him, it was a little bit hard because of the age difference, and the fact that he wasn’t single. He’s always been very dedicated to his relationships and that’s something I’ve always admire of him. In this town, men are not that committed, and that’s pretty normal, unfortunately. But, him? He knew he was different from other men, he knew he was special, that he made women feel special. If he was with one, he would be with only one. Nate, was never an easy guy to follow, he would always be part of everything, but at the same time he wouldn’t. He would say the correct thing at the correct time. He was it. But he would always be with someone.

By this time, I’m already grown up, and I know better than to get with a men who is with someone else, because that’s just the way I like. I don’t like my men going around with someone else, when I’m here. Why would I do that to someone else?

Nate marries, and I see everything from afar and I think to myself, that’s it. There’s no more turning back, or anything like that. He has a child, after. I continue to live my life, like I knew that there wasn’t any chance ever.

Until, the inimaginable happens, and he chooses to part different ways than his wife. And I see this opportunity come to me, this chance to do something about it, since I was a teenager.

I did.

And everything I thought was going to happen, it did. After so long, after all this desire, it happened and I was so happy, that I stupidly thought he was going to see me in such a different way. But I was so wrong, to believe in something that it was never meant to happen.

The way it hurt, physically and emotionally, was extremely painful. I couldn’t believe I was living through a heartbreak, without being in a relationship, but you can live trough a heartbreak without being in a relationship. Now I understand, that even though certain things are not meant to happen, they will still hurt like if they had actually happened.

I had to let go. It was too much, and I let him go, that when I realized what I had done, it was already too late. I couldn’t go back crawling to him, although I did tried. Knowing the pain, knowing the damage. But it had to be done.

I had to let him go for me.