midgemadgethrianna

Welcome, please feel safe to comment, ask, or just enjoy this space. TW, there are some topics that I talk about that may not be suitable for everyone.

I been thinking about you lately. I never thought how much I was going to do something like you did back then, I thought I already understand this difficult pain I’ve gotten used to for the past 3 months.

Independence, it’s all what I always fought for. Being able to do my own thing, be my own boss in a way that it’s not entirely about work. I knew that when trying this new experience, I was going to get so many no’s, and so many hate and people just going after me.

It’s 6:00 a.m. and I haven’t slept the whole night, well, I couldn’t sleep, spent it turning and turning and with this awful way of feeling too much anxiety. I had a pretty rough anxiety attack this morning thinking about the rest os things. Been wanting to run away and don’t look back, but where is the place I could run away to? I have nowhere to actually run away to, and that hurts me everywhere. I’m in so much pain that when I try to do anything like plan it, it gets evaporated, basically life telling me it’s not going to happen.

I been thinking about how scared you where to take a step like the one I took, and I know how hard it must’ve been. I definitely wish you could’ve trusted me more and let me help you, but at the end, you’re extremely manipulative and jealous, and you only wish for bad in other people (I was your best friend, remember?)

It’s unfortunate how much I think about how things would be different. As I’ve mentioned before, I think I would’ve learned my lesson by now.

People change, especially when big things happen in your life, big situations where you just can’t seem to control. Had I know what I know about this specific person I think I wouldn’t do what I did.

It all starts when I was 12. I met him because of someone who is pretty close to me, and by that, he’s close to him. We’ll call him Nate. Nate’s 6 years older than me, so by that time he would just see me as this pre-pubescent child who was pretty selfish (I wasn’t) that the only care in the world that I had were boy bands and who was the it girl in middle school. As much as I wanted to get close to him, it was a little bit hard because of the age difference, and the fact that he wasn’t single. He’s always been very dedicated to his relationships and that’s something I’ve always admire of him. In this town, men are not that committed, and that’s pretty normal, unfortunately. But, him? He knew he was different from other men, he knew he was special, that he made women feel special. If he was with one, he would be with only one. Nate, was never an easy guy to follow, he would always be part of everything, but at the same time he wouldn’t. He would say the correct thing at the correct time. He was it. But he would always be with someone.

By this time, I’m already grown up, and I know better than to get with a men who is with someone else, because that’s just the way I like. I don’t like my men going around with someone else, when I’m here. Why would I do that to someone else?

Nate marries, and I see everything from afar and I think to myself, that’s it. There’s no more turning back, or anything like that. He has a child, after. I continue to live my life, like I knew that there wasn’t any chance ever.

Until, the inimaginable happens, and he chooses to part different ways than his wife. And I see this opportunity come to me, this chance to do something about it, since I was a teenager.

I did.

And everything I thought was going to happen, it did. After so long, after all this desire, it happened and I was so happy, that I stupidly thought he was going to see me in such a different way. But I was so wrong, to believe in something that it was never meant to happen.

The way it hurt, physically and emotionally, was extremely painful. I couldn’t believe I was living through a heartbreak, without being in a relationship, but you can live trough a heartbreak without being in a relationship. Now I understand, that even though certain things are not meant to happen, they will still hurt like if they had actually happened.

I had to let go. It was too much, and I let him go, that when I realized what I had done, it was already too late. I couldn’t go back crawling to him, although I did tried. Knowing the pain, knowing the damage. But it had to be done.

I had to let him go for me.

It’s extremely curious how things can happen in life. One moment you’re just thinking about the past and wondering what would’ve happen if things had turned out differently.

It’s less than a second. Everything changes in less than a second. At least it feels that way.

What would’ve happened if I hadn’t changed schools when I was a kid? What would’ve happened if I stayed in a place where I was extremely bullied? Would I be alive today? Would I be the opposite of who I am? The questions keep coming of different moments in my life where I wonder what would’ve happened.

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Have you ever seen a TV show were you felt too close to the characters? There’s always that special feeling when seeing a new show for the first time ever, knowing yourself that this show has been around for several years now, you have now been able to dodge any spoilers and it’s time for you to watch it.

I have two shows, that I completely loose myself with them. It’s like I’m part of team, of the crew, of the members, of the actors that play the show. It’s particularly quite weird, to feel this way knowing, the characters are just…characters. Their not real, or special in a certain way, but only in the little world of their show.

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I've always liked tea. To be quite honest I don't have a special blend that I prefer, I enjoy and like all kinds of blends. There're, of course, my favorites, but I still enjoy any flavor without any problem.

When I actually discovered my favorite blend, I was 18. Recently turned, and everybody around seemed to have already chosen their favorite blend. Which made me kind of anxious not to know which was mine. Not in the way that most people think or feel anxiety, but this rush that I was trying to experience, since quite before I turned 18, and I didn't even knew why.

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I've tried. I've tried so many times to better myself, for others. For everyone who is beside me, cheering me on to continue my path. My path. Whatever the fuck it means.

What does “my path” even means? Why should I be writting down everysingle thing I need to in order to live. Everyone says I shouldn't live by any rules, but then rules are just there without any warning, you know?

It's hard following no rules but yet I am following something. I wish people around me would understand how this feels, because as it is, it's so hard to actually explain what and how this is.

Being like this since as long as I can remember, and I recently just learned new things about my past, too. So, adding those new revelations to “my path” is even more confusing to know what should or shouldn't do. I know what's best for me, but then I also know that some of those things are not the best for those around me, and even though I'm supposed to be working on myself and just myself, it still affects me not to worry for those near me.

Try to be selfish, and that's how you'll succeed. I was 6 years old when I first heard that, and I didn't even knew the meaning behind selfishness, but I did understand in a way to just focus on me and let everybody else focus on themselves. Yet, here we are. Wondering how long will I survive (word I've learned to hate in the past few years, btw) in this god foresaking planet, where it's getting worse to live here by the minute, scratch that, by the second. Wondering when.