PAST
It’s extremely curious how things can happen in life. One moment you’re just thinking about the past and wondering what would’ve happen if things had turned out differently.
It’s less than a second. Everything changes in less than a second. At least it feels that way.
What would’ve happened if I hadn’t changed schools when I was a kid? What would’ve happened if I stayed in a place where I was extremely bullied? Would I be alive today? Would I be the opposite of who I am? The questions keep coming of different moments in my life where I wonder what would’ve happened.
When you ask yourself about the past as much as I have, you realize what is your present. I see around me and think about the people I have met so far. And, although, maybe some of them would’ve stepped in my life regardless, there are some who I know I wouldn’t have met at all, and it makes my present feel…less interesting.
It makes me feel like there was a reason, or many, that needed to happen in order for me to learn my lessons. Or to learn how to live.
I’ve struggled with mental health probably a 90% of my life. And I know, the person I would’ve become if things were different, is someone I would dislike in my actual present. I would have taken things for granted, I wouldn’t have learned the things I know now. My best friends wouldn’t be who they are today. It just keeps on coming with what could’ve and would’ve. It never really changes, the feeling, of wondering too much about your past, that makes you question it so much, that now you don’t know if you should have or shouldn’t.
But, out of nowhere, something just gets in your eye. So little, but big enough for you to catch a glimpse, about what you’re living in the present and makes you stop any question about it.
It’s funny when you put your mind into it. And realize, that you can ask so much about your past, for only to end up realizing that the present you’re living is just because you made the right choice in your past, even if at the moment it felt like you were fucking it up.
As much as our past wants us to think about it all the time, it’s not always possible. It comes a moment in your life, when you have to stop asking the past some questions, and focus in your present even though it may hurt you.