midgemadgethrianna

I thought things were going to be different. Last time I said that process takes time, and it has been so long with this weird ass process I’m going through. I was expeting things went faster, yet I feel like I’m extremely stuck. Thinking about the place I was in, not even less than 6 months ago, it makes me wonder, why in the fuck did I came back.

I feel like I don’t belong where I am, and I didn’t belong in that other place. I feel myself slipping away, and hoping, no, wishing for the worse to happen. I thought I was getting better, yet I feel slowly slipping away, and it feels awful. I’m too tired too keep on fighting my own demons, let alone the worlds. I’ve only wantedd was best for myself and those who surround me. Feels like I’m dragging everyone into this mess called depression.

I hate myself for having to go through this all over again, when I thought I had learned my lesson. Yet, here I am. I’m still suffering with the same old shit, which makes me even angrier, I should’ve known better.

Listening to the same music as I listened back there, makes me the tiniest bit happy. I did that, you know? I slashed my fears away, and tried to reconstruct a new life. I tried to change everything about me, but not in the way you stop recognizing someone, no, I did it to become a better person. When I tried and realized I had failed extremely to make a life for myself, it destroyed me. I had put everysingle ounce of myself to make that happen. To make it. Just to make it.

Now, it feels is too late.

When I came back, I thought this was my time of saving myself. Yet, it hasn’t felt that way whatsoever. Leaving that place, leaving everything that I dreamt of behind. I thought that it was the way I was going to save myself.

I never thought that all my dreams would come crashing down, just like a literally rollercoaster. Was it meant to happen? Have I been lied to all this time?

People have always seen something in me, something so big, I’m supposed to make so many things, I’m supposed to be this entire magical creature, that will just do fine. That’s what I’ve been told pretty much my entire life. Pretty much since I was a child trying to figure out what was happening, why strange things were happening, yet nobody was there to protect me, but at the same time they were there. It was frustating even as a child, to be this type of human that just needed everything to be okay. But everything was never okay.

I remember so many details that my own brain tries to reconnect with certain memories, with specific ones, so my now awareness is bigger than ever. Or that’s what I like to think.

Coming back, has definately been something I hadn’t been expecting, but I’ve just been ok. Everything is moving quite fast, and I’m doing my best to keep track to what I should be doing.

Study, graduate, study, graduate, study, graduate, and maybe study 2 more times and graduate 2 more times. Get that fucking job your father/mother/any one else is fucking and fucking you to get, and if you don’t get it you’re practically a piece of shit, am I right? Oh, but we forget that for you to get a very nice paying job at least, you have to HAVE a certain amount of time already right? You have to HAVE experience. That’s what every fucking adult talks about. If you don’t have enough experience, how will you do a good job? Oh, so basically start experincieng everything since you’re 10 fucking years old, because if not, you ain’t getting it.

Society has failed greatly to all of the young adults, children. Everyone deserves a chance, and so many people only get one, let alone 2. “But, I’ll work my entire life if I have to.” Johnny says. Well, Johnny, what about any other plans you’ve got? Will you spend all of your younger years of life working? Will you spend literally all of your family money and get into student loans for the rest of your life and probably your next of kin? Oh, that’s right, you’ll work your entire life even if that’s that last thing you do, right?

I get it. Society works like this. No work, no jobs, no oppenings, no capitalism or whatever the fuck you want to call it. It’s always something fucked. It’s always society, humans, what do they have that I don’t, BUT I WANT IT, I DON’T CARE HOW OR IF I’LL HURT ANYONE IN THE PROCESS.

Process. It’s been something that even though I have to go through it, it’s painful as fuck. Even though I wish I wouldn’t need to go through, I have to.

Process takes time. How much do I have left, tho?

I been thinking about you lately. I never thought how much I was going to do something like you did back then, I thought I already understand this difficult pain I’ve gotten used to for the past 3 months.

Independence, it’s all what I always fought for. Being able to do my own thing, be my own boss in a way that it’s not entirely about work. I knew that when trying this new experience, I was going to get so many no’s, and so many hate and people just going after me.

It’s 6:00 a.m. and I haven’t slept the whole night, well, I couldn’t sleep, spent it turning and turning and with this awful way of feeling too much anxiety. I had a pretty rough anxiety attack this morning thinking about the rest os things. Been wanting to run away and don’t look back, but where is the place I could run away to? I have nowhere to actually run away to, and that hurts me everywhere. I’m in so much pain that when I try to do anything like plan it, it gets evaporated, basically life telling me it’s not going to happen.

I been thinking about how scared you where to take a step like the one I took, and I know how hard it must’ve been. I definitely wish you could’ve trusted me more and let me help you, but at the end, you’re extremely manipulative and jealous, and you only wish for bad in other people (I was your best friend, remember?)

It’s unfortunate how much I think about how things would be different. As I’ve mentioned before, I think I would’ve learned my lesson by now.

People change, especially when big things happen in your life, big situations where you just can’t seem to control. Had I know what I know about this specific person I think I wouldn’t do what I did.

It all starts when I was 12. I met him because of someone who is pretty close to me, and by that, he’s close to him. We’ll call him Nate. Nate’s 6 years older than me, so by that time he would just see me as this pre-pubescent child who was pretty selfish (I wasn’t) that the only care in the world that I had were boy bands and who was the it girl in middle school. As much as I wanted to get close to him, it was a little bit hard because of the age difference, and the fact that he wasn’t single. He’s always been very dedicated to his relationships and that’s something I’ve always admire of him. In this town, men are not that committed, and that’s pretty normal, unfortunately. But, him? He knew he was different from other men, he knew he was special, that he made women feel special. If he was with one, he would be with only one. Nate, was never an easy guy to follow, he would always be part of everything, but at the same time he wouldn’t. He would say the correct thing at the correct time. He was it. But he would always be with someone.

By this time, I’m already grown up, and I know better than to get with a men who is with someone else, because that’s just the way I like. I don’t like my men going around with someone else, when I’m here. Why would I do that to someone else?

Nate marries, and I see everything from afar and I think to myself, that’s it. There’s no more turning back, or anything like that. He has a child, after. I continue to live my life, like I knew that there wasn’t any chance ever.

Until, the inimaginable happens, and he chooses to part different ways than his wife. And I see this opportunity come to me, this chance to do something about it, since I was a teenager.

I did.

And everything I thought was going to happen, it did. After so long, after all this desire, it happened and I was so happy, that I stupidly thought he was going to see me in such a different way. But I was so wrong, to believe in something that it was never meant to happen.

The way it hurt, physically and emotionally, was extremely painful. I couldn’t believe I was living through a heartbreak, without being in a relationship, but you can live trough a heartbreak without being in a relationship. Now I understand, that even though certain things are not meant to happen, they will still hurt like if they had actually happened.

I had to let go. It was too much, and I let him go, that when I realized what I had done, it was already too late. I couldn’t go back crawling to him, although I did tried. Knowing the pain, knowing the damage. But it had to be done.

I had to let him go for me.

I've tried. I've tried so many times to better myself, for others. For everyone who is beside me, cheering me on to continue my path. My path. Whatever the fuck it means.

What does “my path” even means? Why should I be writting down everysingle thing I need to in order to live. Everyone says I shouldn't live by any rules, but then rules are just there without any warning, you know?

It's hard following no rules but yet I am following something. I wish people around me would understand how this feels, because as it is, it's so hard to actually explain what and how this is.

Being like this since as long as I can remember, and I recently just learned new things about my past, too. So, adding those new revelations to “my path” is even more confusing to know what should or shouldn't do. I know what's best for me, but then I also know that some of those things are not the best for those around me, and even though I'm supposed to be working on myself and just myself, it still affects me not to worry for those near me.

Try to be selfish, and that's how you'll succeed. I was 6 years old when I first heard that, and I didn't even knew the meaning behind selfishness, but I did understand in a way to just focus on me and let everybody else focus on themselves. Yet, here we are. Wondering how long will I survive (word I've learned to hate in the past few years, btw) in this god foresaking planet, where it's getting worse to live here by the minute, scratch that, by the second. Wondering when.